Big Wheel Biker Gang 2006 U.S. Tour

Planning to make it to start down the canyon around 7am, I didn’t arrive until 2pm. After stopping at Mather Point, the first viewpoint, for a few pictures, it was off to the Bright Angel Lodge. From the Bright Angel Lodge, you can take the Bright Angel trail six miles into the Grand Canyon to the Plateau Point overlook of the Colorado River. It’s now 3pm and after reading the warnings at the first visitor center (bring enough water, don’t attempt to hike up and down on the same day, sunset is at 6, the round trip is 6-9 hours, blah, blah, blah…), it’s time to make a decision. I was a little more prepared this time. I had a bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast and a power bar for lunch.
So, I did it the only way I know how… Eight hours late, half-assed, and balls to the wall, I head down the trail with Midnight on my shoulder. Side note from the urban dictionary for those who may be offended by balls to the wall: (term used by pilots. when accelerating quickly, the throttle is pushed all the way to the panel and the throttle lever (ball) actually touches the panel (wall)). Since sun is setting in 3 hours, I start jogging the trail down, dodging mule poop and puddles of urine. Along the way, Midnight and I stop for a few pictures and to chat with passerbys. We met people from New York, Ohio, Michigan, Arizona, and the list goes on… I managed to pass out quite a few cards too. Midnight was quite a hit with people young and old. As were moving down the trail, people keep asking if I’m going all the way to the bottom. I was advised many times not to do it without a light, since it’d be dark coming back up. I’m Johnny Dynamite though and what would I be if I just gaveup and headed back up. Around 5 o’clock I reach the last camp before Plateau Point, which is still a little over a mile away. With an hour left of daylight, I run into a man from Switzerland who tells me I’m going to be one of those people you read about, if I try to hike back up. I laugh it off and start jogging for the point, because damned if we came this far and Midnight and I aren’t going to see the Colorado River! We finally reach Plateau Point around 5:30, were you can look down on the Colorado River. It’s quite a dirty looking river. Nice and brown. With less than a half hour before sunset, I pack up the Midnight and the monkey and we start heading back the 6 miles to the rim. On the way, we run into a few people who thought we were crazy when we passed them on the way down, but I’m determined to get us up to the top. With about 4 miles left, the sun is gone. Luckily, only about a quarter mile ahead, I see lights, so I start pushing up the trail faster. Eventually I catch them and who is it, but the Swiss man who told me I was going to be one of those people that die on the trail along with his two sons. After following them for awhile, he turns and asks me if I want to follow them the rest of the way. I may be crazy, but I’m not completely stupid, so I trail along. The whole time they’re speaking in German, so eventually I decide to dazzle them with my German and ask the time. It went horribly wrong, but it was around 8. About 8:30, we reach the rim where I bid them a fond farewell and sit down on Midnight for a much needed break. Eventually I start getting the chills, so I head into the gift shop to warm up. The three guys working the gift shop take a liking to Midnight and want to take pictures with him. So, we’re off to some locked up room in the building that has a fireplace made of stones from each layer of the Grand Canyon. After they all take Midnight for a spin and we take a few pictures, it’s off to wander the parking lot to find my car. After freezing my arse off for about 15 minutes, I finally find the car. By the way, I made it up and down the trail in only five and a half hours and only used two power bars and three bottle of water. What do those warning signs know!?
Just outside of the park, I stop by a few food places looking for something to eat, but there’s nothing open, so I suck it up. By the time I leave the park it’s about 10pm. Eight hours later and I’m in Yuma, AZ, two miles from California, where I get a hotel for a whopping 5 hours. In the morning, well still in the morning, it was off to San Diego Zoo…
Thanks to Tom Dey for sending in a picture of Midnight and I in the canyon! I’ll try to get all the pictures up as soon as I can.

Up next, “I did it the only way I know how…”
While you wait, there’s new pictures in the photo gallery. We get you as far as New Mexico this time.
If you’re reading this and you’ve run into Midnight and I on the road and have pictures, please share and send them to johnnydynamite@bigwheelbikergang.com.
I’m off to look for my star on the Walk of Fame. I’m sure it’s there somewhere! My invitation to the ceremony probably just got lost in the mail.

Taking Route 17 down to Phoenix, Midnight and I had to make a quick stop at the Page Springs Cellars (www.pagespringscellars.com) to pick up a bottle of Caduceus wine (www.caduceus.org) for James. James said the winery was in Sedona, but it turns out it is in Cornville. If there was corn there, they did a very good job of hiding it. After 12 miles of continuous winding road, we arrived. I attempted to buy the bottle of wine, but first I had to make a few promises. According to the lady working, this particular wine would be completely ruined if left in a car and would need to be kept cool at all times. I had to promise I would buy a cooler and ice, and keep this bottle of wine in the cooler on top of the ice, with a towel in between to keep the wine from getting too cold. I had to agree to this or she wasn’t going to sell me the wine. So, for the next week and a half I’ll be traveling the country with my horse, a monkey, and a bottle of Nagual de la Naga wine, affectionately known as “Hank.”
With Hank safely in the car, it was time to head to Phoenix to see the boyhood home of Johnny Dynamite and an old friend. While in Phoenix, we swung by Target to find a nice cooler for Hank and a cozy towel for him to sleep on.
After loading up on pizza, we all loaded in the car, the horse, the monkey, Hank, and I. At about 9:30pm, it was time to start the trek up to the Grand Canyon. I had planned to make it to Flagstaff for the night, but only made it as far as Cottonwood. Cottonwood is located just south of Sedona, so in the morning I took the Alt Route 89 up to the canyon instead of getting back on 17. Alt Route 89 winds you up through Sedona and the red rocks of Coconino National Forest. It delayed the arrival to the canyon a bit, but it was a much more scenic route than Route 17. Not only do you get to see the red rocks of sedona, but there are actually real live trees in this forest! After a few stops to take in the scenery, it was off to the canyon. Here’s a teaser for you…


“Midnight at the Colorado River”

“Midnight with a few fans”

For some reason, I decided it would be a good idea to wake up at 5am and make it to the Paint Deserted for sunrise. I had checked the sunrise time the night before to make sure I could get there in time. Little did I know, you gain another hour when you cross the New Mexico/Arizona border. I left just before six and arrived at the desert just before six. The park didn’t open until seven and it was cloudy, so this whole sunrise thing wasn’t panning out at all.
Once the gates opened, I went up to the visitor’s center, which wasn’t opened yet. I don’t know why I was waiting there, but everyone else was, so I figured they knew something I didn’t. Turns out I don’t think they knew anything I didn’t. After taking a few pictures, I hit Tawa Point which was a start of a trail to the next stop (about 0.5 miles), the Painted Desert Inn. Along the trail, I ran into lots of Sir Mister Buddy Tyrone’s relatives. Turns out the desert is the place for a cool rabbit to hang out. So you don’t think this is an all fun and games trip, along the trail I learned the cure for hemorrhoids (prickly pear) and constipation (bigelow sagebrush)!
Once you reach the inn, you get another chance to look down on the Painted Desert. Also from this point, you learn the reason for the title of this post. Behind the inn is the start of a trail down into the desert. As I’m looking over the desert, I start to read the posted sign at the trailhead. The sign contains warnings about carrying enough water, wearing sturdy boots, wearing the correct clothing, etc. All reasons why i shouldn’t be hiking down into the desert. Alas, I figure I’m Johnny Dynamite. These rules must not apply. So fueled by the orange juice I had for breakfast and the single piece of gum I’m chewing, I head down the trail in my designer jeans, sweatshirt, and paper-thin soled Diesel shoes. The trail down is pretty worn, but once you get down to the bottom you’re pretty much on your own. Not really knowing where I’m going, I start to wander around the desert. The desert is scattered with petrified wood, which you can be imprisoned for stealing. Don’t worry Sheriff Tex and Deputy Sugar, I didn’t steal any! This was just the start of the bombardment of petrified wood you’ll receive at the Petrified Forest. The sun starts beating down, so I lose the sweatshirt. I started feeling a little thirsty, but I’ve got my piece of gum to distract me. The ground is soft from the rain, but I’m determined to climb to the top of one of the mesas. After climbing back and forth, I finally find one you can actually get to the top of without too much trouble. I found a nice big chunk of petrified wood to sit on and check out the desert. Looking around, I realize I’m the only person in the desert. Guess I was the only fool. Seeing it from the bottom is definitely the way to go though. It’s not a hard hike, if you go up and down the same trail, but I decide to go up some random spot on the rim. So, after climbing up and down some steep hills, across the top of some mesas, and up the side of the rim, I find myself at Chinde Point. It’s an hour and a half later and I’m about a mile from where I parked my car. I’ve still got my piece of gum and managed to survive despite ignoring all of the warnings on going into the desert. I ditch my piece of gum at the Painted Desert Inn and start the walk down the side of the road. Halfway to the car, I start to miss my piece of gum, but I stay strong.
Finally back in the car, I head down to Puerco Pueblo where you can see the remains of pueblo from about 1250 and some ancient petroglyphs etched into stones. Next is the teepees, where you see striped mountains that are cut in such a way that the sides of the mountains look like a row of teepees. Last stop before leaving the park is Giant Logs Trail, where you can see the largest petrified log, “Old Faithful.” The painted desert is beautiful, but the logs get a little boring. I thought calling it a forest would imply there were some trees, not just chunks of trees scattered on the ground. There’s only so many different ways a chunk of wood can look. Anyway, the forest behind me, it was time to head towards Phoenix.

Up next, we’ll have…
“How to hike the desert on only one piece of gum…” and “A man and his horse and a monkey and “Hank”"
Until then, the rest of the St. Louis pictures are up for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

After a few turnarounds and illegal turns, I arrived at the Cadillac Ranch just west of Amarillo. The ranch consists of 10 Cadillacs from 1949 and 1964 buried nose down in an open field. I don’t know what state they were originally in, but they are now heavily spray painted and missing their seats and windows. I’m assuming graffiti is not discouraged, because there was a recycling bin full of empty spray cans at the gate. If I would have known, I would have left the BWBG mark. Perhaps next time. Once you enter through the gate, you walk about a quater mile down a dirt path to the cars. The wind coming across the open field nearly blows you over. I put Midnight down and the wind started rolling him backwards. Knowing the massive horse that Midnight is, that is quite a feat. For some reason “GRINDERScc” was spray painted on each side of the cars with one letter spray painted on each car. After a few photo ops with Midnight, it was on to the Midpoint Cafe in Adrian, Texas.
The Midpoint Cafe (www.uglycrustpies.com) marks the exact midpoint of Route 66 between Chicago and Los Angeles. It is 1,139 miles each way. The’re only open for breakfast and lunch and don’t have a exact hours, so it may or may not be open when you go there. The sign says may be open as early as this time or that and may close as late as this time or that time. Anyhow, the food was tasty and they didn’t seem to find it strange at all when I dragged Midnight inside the cafe for a picture. I suppose they see all kinds of weirdos. There was only one person eating there when I arrived. A real life, old timer cowboy. He was just picking up food, but while he was waiting, he was reading a Stephen J. Cannell. Who knew the great man that brought us the A-Team and Greatest American Hero was also an author? After food, pictures, and shopping, it was off to New Mexico.
First stop, Tucumcari. Supposedly the studio where Buddy Holly recorded “Peggy Sue” and “That’ll be the Day” was there, but my attempt to find it failed. Consider there really isn’t anything else in the town, you think it would have been easy to find. Oh well, maybe next time through.
Eventually, I hit Albuquerque where I decided to wander around the mall. What did I find at the Winrock? A mall that had been abandoned, except for four stores. I never knew I had such a talent locating abandoned malls. While walking down the mall, I came upon a woman reading my t-shirt from afar and giving me a strange look. I guess the shirt didn’t scare her off, because she stopped to ask if I was from around there and knew what happened to all the stores. She said she had seen the mall from the freeway too and decided to do some shopping. The rest of city looked pretty modern, so I guess I’ll cut them some slack on the abandoned mall. Not needing anything from Bed, Bath, & Beyond or Dillards, I was off to conquer the rest of New Mexico. Little did I know, modern civilization was over after Albuquerque. Each side of the highway had long plains leading up to the mountains. The mountains are pretty, so it had that going for it.
The last stop before calling it a night was Laguna. Unfortunately, not Laguna Beach. There weren’t any young blondes running around, just an old Indian and what I assume to be his grandson selling pottery on the roadside. From the roadside you can see the old Indian village built on the side of the hill. Well, maybe that’s not so exciting, but it’s been there since 1680. I caught a rainbow near there too. I didn’t take the time to look for the pot of gold though. Sorry.
16 miles from the Arizona border, I called it a night at the Red Roof Inn in Gallup, New Mexico.

P.S. The road sign of New Mexico? “Wind gusts may exist” I’m pretty sure they do exist… There is no may… Now I’ve never actually seen one, but I’ve felt one. Perhaps that isn’t enough evidence for them.

Welcome to the question and answer portion of the tour. Have a question about the tour or a suggestion? Now is the time to speak your mind. Also, if you have a suggestion on how I can get out of ever going back to Lockheed and still pay the bills, I’d love to hear it.
And to appease the fans… I’ve posted the links to the new photo galleries under the ‘Photo Gallery’ menu to the right. Bear with me, as it is still under construction. You can now see the Metropolis pictures in a larger format and the Evansville pictures have been posted. I even took the time to steal a frame capture of the bartop ride from the video. The first twenty St. Louis pictures have been posted. I still have 35 more pictures to post from St. Louis. I’ll keep ya posted.

Being that it is noon in the lovely town of Amarillo, Texas and check out at the Red Roof Inn is noon, I’m writing you from the parking lot. Yesterday I crossed the state of Oklahoma and half of Texas. I stopped first in Miami, OK. It’s supposedly the hometown of Mickey Mantle, but I couldn’t find his house. I looked. I traveled around town for awhile and picke up lunch. If the waitress from Pizza Hut reads this, don’t go spending that 7 bucks all in one place. If you’re in Miami on October 29th, they’re having a silent film showing of the Phantom of the Opera with an accompanying organist. After leaving Miami, I ran into toll booth hell. They expect you have exact change and half the toll booth stops aren’t manned. So the first one I got to, I didn’t have any change, so I had to pull into the lane wiht the change machine, which wasn’t open. The change machine only gives you 75 cents for your dollar. I’m already sitting in the closed lane, now with my 75 cents. So, I toss it in the basket and pull away and the alarm goes off because the lane was closed. Oh well, there weren’t any cops around and they got my 75 cents. The next booth I come too, the change machine lane is open, but the change machine doesn’t work when I get to it. With a line forming behind me, I scrounge for any change I can in the car, as fast as I can, and toss it in the basket and hope it’s enough as I’m pulling away. I didn’t hear the alarm go off, so I assume I made it. After that I refused to stop again on the Oklahoma turnpike. The do have some great road signs though. Unfortunately, I didn’t get any pictures. They have one that says “Don’t drive into the smoke” and “Hitchhikers may be escaped inmates.” I looked for both smoke and inmates, but found neither. I wanted to find out if the hitchikers were really escaped inmates or if the state was just trying to give them a bad name. I forgot to mention… Missouri has a great thing, where they post anti-pornography billboards next to all the strip joints and adult stores.
Anyway, as the Texas border approached, I decided to give Oklahoma another chance and stopped off in Texola, OK. If you ever want the feeling that someone is going to kill you and they’ll never find the body, go to Texola. It’s a town of boarded up windows, abandoned cars, and abandoned houses. Driving through, you wouldn’t think anyone lived there, except for the occasional person you see around town. There wasn’t one house that looked like someone would be living there. I think I saw a total of 5 people in the 30-45 minutes I was there. There was one plowed field and a few horses. There was one brand new house on the edge of town with the sprinklers running. Best guess would be that’s where they’d start the cult. Anyway, there was a sign I was looking for, which I finally found just as I was ready to give up. I’ll post the picture when I get a chance. It ended up not being a sign, but a side of a building. Coming up on the building, you wouldn’t think it was used for anything except for one truck parked in front. As I got close a second car pulled up, and a man got out, struggled with the door of the building for a bit and then went in. I got out of my car and took my pictures as fast as I could. As I’m pulling away, a third car pulls up, driving on the wrong side of the road to get there, and pulls in backwards too. Everybody seemed to be parking, so they could make a quick getaway. After some research, it turns out, I believe, that it’s the local bar, but there’s no indication of that anywhere on the building. If I had known, I would have stopped in for a drink, but having no idea, I didn’t want to get anywhere near that place. Midnight and I want to live to see California. The rest of the drive to Amarillo was pretty uneventful. I took a few pics. I apologize for the delay in pictures, but I’m changing the software I use for the photos, because Bubbleshare sucks and shrinks down the photos. By next post you should have the new and improved and larger photo gallery. It’s time to leave the Red Roof Inn parking lot behind and head towards New Mexico.

Hmm… Now that I write that title, it seems a little weird. I assure you, they are two separate, distant events. I arrived in St. Louis around 11. As you drive into town, the arch is clearly visible, which is good for people who have no idea where they are going like myself. After a few laps aroundt he riverfront by car, I found a parking garage next to the Cardinals’ stadium. From there it was only a few blocks down to the arch. Once you reach the arch, you go below to the gift shop and museum after a run through the metal detector. Inside I did a little shopping in the gift shop and headed over to the Westward Expansion museum. It’s mostly a bunch of quotes and facts spread around the walls and the lighting is really low. I’m not sure what they’re trying to hide. They also have these talking animatronic people scattered about the museum. They kind of creeped me out and heard other people say the same thing. I think the thing is that the eyes move, so it always looks like they’re eyeing you up. After a nice conversation about Big Wheels with the ticket lady, I purchased a ticket for the tram up to the top for ten dollars. They load you into these tiny cars that you enter trough these tiny sliding doors. You have to duck to get in and out. It’s 4 minutes up to the top and 3 minutes back down. I rode up and down with some nice ladies driving from Iowa to Tennessee. Once you get to the top, you can look down on the city through little windows. The hallway is slanted as you’d expect an arch to be. The arch is made of big triangle pieces, so the walls are slanted too. After the arch, I headed into town and tried to go to the mall. Who knew there mall was shutdown too? I thought I was in Euclid again. There mall is only closed for renovation though, so I assume they’re planning on reopening. Macy’s was open though, so I went in and bought a backpack to lug my stuff around in. Luckily, they were on sale. I made sure the friendly salesman got a promo card, which started a lengthy conversation on the tour. From there, I spent a good 45 minutes wandering around town looking for a slice of pizza. I finally had to settle on Papa John’s. After a few slices of pepperoni, I picked up midnight from the garage and we took a ride down the big hill going to the arch. We then toured the town, checking out the Rams’ and Cardinals’ stadiums. Stopped by the Jefferson Westward Expansion building. The promoting wasn’t going so well though. We met a few bike cops and showed them how to ride a Big Wheel. Stopped by the Bush protest and got a flyer and gave a flyer. Thinking this one was going the way of Metropolis, I started to head back to the garage. Then things turned… Crossing the street, I ran into someone asking about Midnight. I hand him a card and he asks for more cards. He wants to pass them out around town, so I give him more… He then asks for more, so I give him all of the cards I have on me. He tells me he’s going to pass out every one and not let a one hit the ground. I’m so impressed by his determination, I give him a fourteen dollar “donation.” We then start walking down the street, Midnight, the man that lives in the park, and me. The guy is a fantastic promoter. It’s a shame I couldn’t take him on the rest of the tour. He’s runs out to cars stopped at lights to give them cards, stops people walking down the street to tell them we’re “keeping the streets safe,” goes all out with every card he passes out. It was by far the best fourteen dollars I spent! Once we start making the big bucks, he’ll definitely have a job as our promo man. If you’re ever in St. Louis, I can point you to the park he lives in. You’ll need the directions, because I found a few parks with people living in them. Deciding St. Louis was safe in his hands, I left with Midnight to head back to the car, while my man on the street continued passing out cards and promoting the Big Wheel Biker Gang. I tossed Midnight and the car and started heading west. The goal was to make it out of Missouri, but I came up about 6 miles short and decided to get a room before I passed out. I did take the time to sit outside of the Comfort Inn and steal there internet long enough to find out the Best Western two doors down was half the price. For 40 some dollars, I got a room at the Best Western and went straight to the shower. I had been waiting all day for a shower and clean clothes! Check out is at 12 and I’m going to try to go for a run, since I feel like my body is deteriorating from sitting on my butt for so long. I don’t know if I’ll have time to post the Evansville and St. Louis pictures before I leave, but if not, they’ll definitely be up at the next stop. Not sure of the next stop, but most of the day will probably be spent traveling across Oklahoma.

10 hours and 3 states later, I arrived in Metropolis, Illinois. Somewhere in the middle of Kentucky, I decided it might be a good idea to have a road atlas on the trip, so I pulled into Wal-Mart. A quick side note on Wal-Mart… Stereotypically, you would think the mix of Kentucky and Wal-Mart would be terrifying, but it was actually pretty normal. The Wal-Marts of Delaware and Maryland are far scarier. While there, I picked up a Superman costume for Midnight, so he’d be stylin’ when we got to Metropolis. About 4 o’clock we roll into town where there is a big billboard announcing Metropolis, home of Superman. It’s then a few miles into town where you find Superman Square and not much else. I think it has more abandoned stores than Euclid! There weren’t too many other people around town either. I did run into one couple taking pictures at the statue who were nice enough to take a picture of Midnight and I with Superman. Strangely, they didn’t seem to find it odd I was a grown man carrying around a Big Wheel around town. Or the fact the Midnight was dressed as Superman, mask and all. After a few pics with the statue, it was off to the Super Museum/Super Gift shop. Unfortunately, they closed down the Super Museum down early that day, so I could only browse the gift shop, but I did pick up some swell purchases. They do have a large collection of Superman memorabilia, if you’re looking for something. After the museum, I strolled around town fo awhile looking for signs of life, but there weren’t many. The post office seemed to be the busiest place and it wasn’t even open. Mama Dynamite will be happy to know I resisted the urge to get a tattoo at Kryptonite tattoo, conveniently located across the street from the museum. Calling Metropolis a bust, I slipped a few promo cards in random mailboxes and hit the road. After backtracking for awhile, I ended up in Evansville, Indiana, birthplace of Don Mattingly! I was a little disappointed after Metropolis, but things would start looking up soon. We started off at the Frontier, were the staff will gladly race Big Wheels in the parking lot with you and even encourage you to jump your Big Wheel off their front porch. After a nice bacon cheeseburger and racing around the parking lot, it was off to the Hornet’s Nest for a few drinks with my cousin Mary and her friend Nicole. After the first beer or so, the place started going crazy. Half the people in the bar we’re hopping on the Big Wheel and riding up and down the bar. Even the owner and bartenders took Midnight for a spin. Some faired better than others. After things cleared out a little, the owner was even nice enough to let me ride the Big Wheel across the bartop and gave me a free Hornet’s Nest hat. Don’t worry, there is video of the night at the bar, so I’ll post it as soon as I get a chance to edit it. Until then you’ll have to live with the still pics. They’ve moved to their own pages under the menu on the right. Thanks to Linda and the ladies at the Hornet’s Nest for the great night! And thanks to everyone who took Midnight for a spin, even the one’s that didn’t fair so well, as you can see in the pictures… After a long night of bartop big wheelin’, I tried to make it to Mount Vernon, Indiana for the night, but only made it as far as a rest stop somewhere in the middle. Nothing as refreshing as a night of sleep in your car.